All Kinds of News.......

The Good News…….. I did it, down another 1.2 pound (s). Technically it is just a pound, but the weigh in person at Weight Watchers wrote down 1.2 and I will proudly take that point two! It’s a push in the right direction. Loss to date is 6.2 pounds after completing two weeks. Yippee!

The Bad News ..… I am now in negotiations with myself about getting in some exercise. I know full well it is an absolute necessity to maintain a fit and healthy lifestyle. It is a ridiculous negotiation, but I’m a betting person and I am confident there are some readers out there that know EXACTLY what I am talking about.

The Sad News … In my mind, and apparently it is only in my mind, I aspire to be an active, athletic woman. I love to run. I love to participate in competitive running. Yet, I have no ability to maintain the training regime. Whether it is fear of failure, fear of success, an over committed schedule, or anything else, I cannot seem to get over the hurdle to pull off a Nike and JUST DO IT! I do seem to be able to be consistent for about four or five weeks then unbeknownst to myself I just stop. I immediately turn back into Annie with all my tomorrows. Then its Baada bing, baada boom, I am back to square one. Which is de-motivating and all of a sudden I find myself back in the cycle of gaining the lost weight and quickly getting back out of shape!

As I am writing, I am listening to a Bon Jovi song playing in my head;

“Take a look around. Tell me what you see. Is who you think you are, who you want to be? It's ok to feel a little broken….Everybody's broken, your alright. Just keep on going eyes wide open!”

Well I am definitely a little broken and I am okay with that. I basically am trying to drum up some serious inspiration within to get myself motivated. To realize I don't have to be who I was. I can write a different history with the actions I take today. I honestly do want be who I think I am. So today I am that healthy, active, athletic woman. Whew, you are lucky because I just toyed with the idea of breaking in to a Helen Reddy song…….

The Best News Ever……. I know I can do it. I know I have it in me to overcome these obstacles. How? I need to remind myself that it’s about today. What can I do for me today? Does today fit into that healthy active lifestyle? It’s about the here and the now! Work on keeping the focus a bit closer to the day and let go of the big picture, what if’s. It’s about having a dream, a goal, a vision, an aspiration and to stop ignoring that. To do whatever is necessary to take the appropriate actions towards the goals. It is important to my success to listen to the voice within. To continually look for all sources of motivation and inspiration. And, when there are set backs as there will be… It’s okay. Pick it up, dust it off and get going again (the sooner the better).

NOTE TO SELF: Honor your achievements. Strive for your aspirations!

Do You Know The Rules to Your Game?

I have been playing the weight game for the last eight days and I actually scored a touchdown on the scale this week. Yippee! I lost five pounds after completing my first Weight Watchers weigh in. Let me clarify, this is not my FIRST weigh in, it is my first one THIS time. I never really understood why it’s said the first few pounds shed are just water (sounds like a jealous bitch made that one up). I really don’t care what you call it. What it is, is a lower number than last week on the scale. Since the name of my game is weight loss, it’s a score and I am doing the end zone happy dance.

It’s been proven over and over and over, if you simply follow the Weight Watchers guidelines you will successfully lose weight. If you keep playing by the rules once you scored your final goal on the scale you will maintain your weight loss. Exactly like a Nike commercial…. “Just Do It!”

When I play the weight game, I struggle with following the rules. For some reason I think “this time will be different” as I allow my self to change rules and the game plan. I think I have this privilege because I hold all positions and ownership of this team. The problem is my abuse of power generally gets me into trouble. If I bend the rules long and hard enough, eventually I knock myself right out of the game.

It should be simple to follow these very basic rules.

Do not exceed X number of points per day (calories)
Eat anything you want in limited portions
Eat fresh fruits, vegetables and whole grains
Exercise regularly (4 times per week is good)
Drink plenty of water
Get plenty of rest
Write down everything you eat + all exercise
Plan ahead and you plan for success.

This is not brain surgery. It is a healthy lifestyle that practices moderation. Why on earth I have to make such a big deal about it, I just don’t understand. Yesterday immediately after I weighed in, I decided that I would give myself the old “one free day” rule. Logically, I know that puts me at risk, yet I choose to take weigh in day off from keeping track of what I eat as long as there is a loss on the scale that day. This could go either way. I guess only time will tell. But that’s it, today I put my foot down and no more changing the game. I am geared up for success.

So I remind myself the past has passed and today I have the opportunity to create a new and different history. Pulling all the strength I have to no longer bend the rules but to play the game as it was intended and maybe, just maybe I will stay on this winning streak and totally win the game!

NOTE TO SELF: Just Do It! No, really just do it!

Does Someone Make A Difference in Your Life?

Today, I actually was feeling a bit down in the dumps and at a loss for words to write. It was errands after work and of course I look like a very stressed out mess with flat greasy hair, chubby girl pants, really overall ratty looking and yes, I kept running into people I know. Where are they when I just walk out of the salon? Or I am sporting a new outfit? They are never around even if you go out of your way to try and run into someone you won't. Anyway, I was tired and grumpy and hungry. Wah Wah Wah! I made it though the errands and was going to skip writing tonight. I went to go into my room to turn on the TV, and I found this note from my fourteen year old daughter. Today was her last day of school. I am a full time single parent. Her father does not live in the area so most of the time it is just the two of us. Here is what she wrote word for word……….

Mommy,

Mrs. Jackson told us this story today:

A man who owned a restaurant realized that people are underestimated and should be recognized for all the great things they do. So he told his employees that they make a difference in his life because they helped him and he was thankful for all of their work. A man was so shocked, he went home and told his son. Then he told his son he was thankful for him, that he loved him and that he was proud of him. The boy was amazed and then gave his dad a note. The note was a suicide letter and because the boy believed the dad no longer cared about him. But what the dad said saved his life. The father wanted to help other so he started an organization called “You Make A Difference.”

The reason I am telling you this is because I felt that you of all people make a difference in my life. I am so proud of everything you do and I am so glad you are the strong, beautiful great Mom that I have because if it was not for you, I would not be the person I am today. You always tell me to follow my dreams and trust my heart and you back me up 100% at anything.

So I wanted to let you know that I love you so much and that you make such a big difference in my life. You inspire me to be healthy and strong. I always admire your strength to continue your battle with your weight and I know it is hard but I want you to be here when I have kids so they can see what a wonderful, passionate and driven woman their grandma is. You make SUCH a big difference in my life and I love you! XOXO

NOTE TO SELF: Tell those in your life they make a difference and how grateful you are.

Are We There, YET?

Patience, patience, makes me a mental patient. Seriously, these are a few of the thoughts that have passed through my head at various times today. (For those of you just joining the Blog, On Sunday I started back on Weight Watchers and am in the process of dropping three or four sizes).

1. Why are my pants not fitting a bit looser? It has been what, how long now? Then I count back, One. Two. Oh, so it has only been two days? Wow, it sure feels longer. It really does feel longer.

2. Oooh – I think my skin is looking so much younger since I started eating healthier. Again it has been two days! Count them one, two days. I am like a bad infomercial selling a miracle in a jar and what’s worse, I am buying it!

3. I wonder if I should dig out those cute white Capri pants, maybe they will fit now. (They are a size 8, as of yesterday I was still sporting a 12). Again, it has been two frigging days, what the hell is wrong with me?

4. I should probably try to get my six mile run in this week. (Thinking that I was already back to the fitness level I was at two months ago) because I did do one solid workout on Sunday.

5. Do you think my metabolic rate is increasing? I feel like I am burning more calories.

Can you imagine? No wonder I have been struggling with myself. My perception is so distorted there is nothing realistic about it. I believe I must have gained those thirty pounds one too many times and it has cause brain damage. Obviously my patience has been completely erased from my brain! To be clear, I catch myself and stop cold in my tracks when these absurd thoughts invade my mind. WOW…. Talk about needing to get a grip on reality.

So I need to sit back, take a deep breath and just relax. Let it just be. Because we all know - it is, what it is. I should keep focused on today and eventually the day will come when the pants will fit. When go I out for a six mile run without a second thought. And honestly my skin looks just fine, today.

NOTE TO SELF: Relax and enjoy the journey. You’ll arrive in due time.

A loss for words? Ha!

Really? How can I be at a loss for words when I always have so damn much to say. Maybe, just maybe it is my narcissistic ego that consistently gets in my way. I clearly see myself as one of many words and little action. Why is that? I ramble on like I know everything, then sit back and do nothing. Let me back up, I'll take action for a period of time, then kaput I am over it. Shit. It is exhausting being me.

So I ponder the question, over and over and over......What is it that makes someone have clear and definite goals, ambitions and dreams yet, makes certain they are never obtained? It is not intellectual, nor fiscal, just look at Oprah and her weight yo yo. Emotionally just doesn't make sense to me either. Frigging who knows.

What I do know is:

• I've spent my share of time trying to figure out who I am and what makes me tick and still the question remains unanswered.
• I am back to losing the same goddamn 30 pounds that I have shed five times over.
• I still have credit card debt.
• I am the "NEW 30" some days. Other days the 'NEW 40" and some days, just old.

I am here to say, I am still willing to keep asking the questions. Always trying to make it better, and striving for whatever the hell it is I want this week. So here I sit pissing and moaning to me, about me in hopes that I will "see the light within". Ha, that is a crock of shit. This is a wonderfully creative way for me to not do whatever it is I should do....

And don't be to shocked if the blogging stops in, oh let's say three weeks. That generally is my attention span.

NOTE TO SELF: Stay motivated longer than three weeks!