Do You Have a Color or Is It Black or White?

Whenever I am in search of a topic, it seems to just be handed to me. This time I was paying attention to how “black or white” my thoughts and actions seem to be and I was wondering if I should write about them. Then I took a quiz on Facebook about what Michael Jackson song are you…. Guess what I was? You got it, Black or White. Waa-Laa my topic just handed to me.

The saying black or white really applies to many areas of my life. For example over the weekend I was a cleaning fool doing some quite extensive housework. I not only did laundry, I stripped all the bedding, washed it and hung it all on the clothesline to dry. I love, love nature’s fabreeze. Oh no I just realized I only did my bed. I totally skipped my daughter right over on that one. I guess I she might enjoy some naturally fabreezed bedding too. Oh well, maybe next week. Back to topic, I didn’t just vacuum, I moved the furniture to vacuum under. I didn’t just dust, I cleaned the blinds too. The bathroom, scrubbed from top to bottom. You get the picture. I was cleaning for hours, which is amazing because I live in a tiny house. As I was finishing up the final Mop and Glow coat in the kitchen, I tippy toed into the living room and plopped myself onto the couch. Whew, wee I thought "thank god that’s done." Then I listened to what I said, as if it never has to be done again. Did I really expect that because the house was clean, it would stay clean? Did I think that all messiness stopped just because I labored over removing it? Wholly shit, this is a huge revelation. My expectation was that if I cleaned the house, I did not expect to have clean again for a long long time because now it was extra clean. Of course, I wonder why I am frustrated when the next week the floors need to be cleaned again. It’s not about the tasks at hand, it is about the expectations that I have so distorted. The house is either clean or it is messy/dirty. FYI – this small house I live in is ten times harder to keep clean than any other place I have lived.

After some further thought, I realized that this black or white pattern applies in massive doses to my nutrition and exercise regime. I am either dieting or not. Which equals eating small balanced meals often or I just don’t stop eating. I am either exercising six times a week or I am not exercising seven days a week. Then I wonder why I am frustrated when goals are not met.

So the nutrition and exercise has been weighing heavy on my mind because next week we are going camping for five days. Now as you know from my previous postings that I really have an aversion to deprivation. I love camping and to me camping is food because food always tastes better outdoors. Then there is the beer when it’s hot and the wine with dinner, because you're camping. Then there are S’mores by the campfire, because you're camping. It goes on and on (at least in my mind). So I have been asking myself how I am going to get around the black or white, all or nothing mentality in order to have a successful day on the scale when I return. Not to mention, learning to live a more balanced life with a rosy hue?

Honestly, I don’t have the answer. And I don’t think there is a definitive answer. It’s about baby steps forward each day in the form of focus, planning, action, motivation and desire. So I have made a list of healthy food options along with a few sensible treats. I am researching hiking in the area. I’ll do some writing while I am there to help keep me focused. I have that huge stack of magazines I can take for motivation. Most importantly, I have the commitment to my blog that will help keep me on track and accountable.

This "life-makeover" is about finding the old me and transforming her into the person I have dreamt about being. It is a fact that the black or white, all or nothing is probably the reason behind many of the unattained goals and set-backs. New goal = new me.

NOTE TO SELF: Drop the Black and White, it’s time to add some color to you life.

All Kinds of News.......

The Good News…….. I did it, down another 1.2 pound (s). Technically it is just a pound, but the weigh in person at Weight Watchers wrote down 1.2 and I will proudly take that point two! It’s a push in the right direction. Loss to date is 6.2 pounds after completing two weeks. Yippee!

The Bad News ..… I am now in negotiations with myself about getting in some exercise. I know full well it is an absolute necessity to maintain a fit and healthy lifestyle. It is a ridiculous negotiation, but I’m a betting person and I am confident there are some readers out there that know EXACTLY what I am talking about.

The Sad News … In my mind, and apparently it is only in my mind, I aspire to be an active, athletic woman. I love to run. I love to participate in competitive running. Yet, I have no ability to maintain the training regime. Whether it is fear of failure, fear of success, an over committed schedule, or anything else, I cannot seem to get over the hurdle to pull off a Nike and JUST DO IT! I do seem to be able to be consistent for about four or five weeks then unbeknownst to myself I just stop. I immediately turn back into Annie with all my tomorrows. Then its Baada bing, baada boom, I am back to square one. Which is de-motivating and all of a sudden I find myself back in the cycle of gaining the lost weight and quickly getting back out of shape!

As I am writing, I am listening to a Bon Jovi song playing in my head;

“Take a look around. Tell me what you see. Is who you think you are, who you want to be? It's ok to feel a little broken….Everybody's broken, your alright. Just keep on going eyes wide open!”

Well I am definitely a little broken and I am okay with that. I basically am trying to drum up some serious inspiration within to get myself motivated. To realize I don't have to be who I was. I can write a different history with the actions I take today. I honestly do want be who I think I am. So today I am that healthy, active, athletic woman. Whew, you are lucky because I just toyed with the idea of breaking in to a Helen Reddy song…….

The Best News Ever……. I know I can do it. I know I have it in me to overcome these obstacles. How? I need to remind myself that it’s about today. What can I do for me today? Does today fit into that healthy active lifestyle? It’s about the here and the now! Work on keeping the focus a bit closer to the day and let go of the big picture, what if’s. It’s about having a dream, a goal, a vision, an aspiration and to stop ignoring that. To do whatever is necessary to take the appropriate actions towards the goals. It is important to my success to listen to the voice within. To continually look for all sources of motivation and inspiration. And, when there are set backs as there will be… It’s okay. Pick it up, dust it off and get going again (the sooner the better).

NOTE TO SELF: Honor your achievements. Strive for your aspirations!

Magazines - Do They Really Work?

Tomorrow is my weigh in day, end of week two. Even with all the ups and downs, evil mood swings and the pity pot I was resting on, it still was a decent week. Did I lose weight? Not sure as last week was a five pound loss so if anything has been lost, it will be a bonus. Also, I get my one day free as long as there is a lower number on the scale, so I am keeping my fingers crossed.

I am constantly looking for ways to keep myself motivated. Recently I had some frequent flyer miles that were expiring and to the dismay of my mailman I cashed them in on magazine subscriptions. As I subscribed to these, it is with the best of intentions that I actually read them. I envision myself sitting back with a cup of tea, uninterrupted as I am relaxing with my feet up, slowly flipping through the pages and taking in all the fabulous advice. Since I am hell bent on making these positive and lasting changes in my life I figured the magazines would be a great incentive to keep me on target. I have a nice balance with Health, Body + Soul, Money, Wine Spectator and Sunset.

So far that relaxing scenario has not happened. The closest I have come is to shuffle though the stack and review the covers. As I am sitting here looking at them, I am trying to decide which one to read first. They all have amazing covers with gorgeous photos and catchy tag lines. Wow, this is more than motivation, I actually could be a whole new me in no time at all! Then I kind of wonder who they are targeting as their audience? Seriously check out just a few of the tag lines on these current issues:

1. Eat Your Way Slim
2. Shrink Your Belly (in just 9 minutes)
3. No-Sweat Workout
4. Dan Aykrod on Wine
5. Go from Fired to Hired
6. How to Profit in the New Economy
7. Walk a Little – Lose a Lot
8. The Healing Power of Wine
9. The Natural Cure for Cellulite
10.Create Your Perfect Space

Really? Really? Let me tell you, anyone that is interested in a “No-Sweat Workout”, or “Walking a Little to Lose A lot” is not interested in working out or maintaining a healthy lifestyle! "Eat Your Way Slim"? Who the hell are they targeting with that one? On A second thought, I tried to eat myself thin, oops, I gained thirty pounds. "Dan Aykrod on Wine"? Does that mean he’s drunk? Because if I was really interested in leaning about wines, I don’t think Dan Aykrod would be the expert I would turn to. "Profit in the New Economy". You mean the new busted economy? Profit, from who? Nobody has any damn money, so if you are making a profit from someone in this economy, isn’t that a bit immoral and isn’t that what got our economy into trouble?

I am hoping that I will soon get the opportunity to sit back, have my tea, put my feet up and absorb the wealth of information within these pages lined with beautiful photos. Because once I have read these magazines and follow the ever so simple, not time committing suggestions, no later than August, I should;

a. Have a flat stomach
b. More money in the bank,
c. Be 30 pounds lighter without breaking a sweat
d. Be healthier from red wine
e. Have smooth cellulite free legs
f. And be a whole new me

I will keep you posted as the transformations come about.

NOTE TO SELF: Read magazines ASAP!

Stressed or De-Stressed?

What is stress? No, really what is stress? I know what it does…. Stress can make you sick. Stress can make you fat. Stress can exhaust you and give you insomnia. Stress can provoke you to eat and eat and eat. Stress can make you mean, sad or even a bit crazy. Being stressed and overwhelmed leaves you feeling completely out of control of your own life. Maybe stress is the reason the term “beside yourself” came about.

What really sucks about stress is that it is simply the mind communicating to the body. Overload, overload – Danger Will Robinson, Danger. (Now I’m dating myself, eh?) Stress is what the body does when it fails to listen to the mind. If I really paid attention and was tuned into my mind-body connection I would hear that first warning of danger. Of course then I would have to take appropriate action to immediately eliminate the stressful situation. However, that is so NOT the case these days. Nope, lately, I seem to be walking around with my head so far up….. so for far up, okay let’s say the clouds, that I have completely disconnected my mind and body.

I tend to invite and welcome stress into my life. You do not need to be a shrink, a doctor or even Oprah to know that this is not a good thing. It is most important for me to have my head in tact on my shoulders with the ability to communicate. Especially since I am on this mission of “finding me” and making sure I am a smaller version when I do locate myself. It’s like I have to work hard to NOT hear myself and this is not in line with my personal mission statement.

In some twisted way this habit of inviting stress into my life must have started with some form of self preservation that went haywire along the way. In line with the detrimental behavior of comfort eating, stress worked its way in, settled down and has become a regular resident in my life. So what do I do? Is there a specific stress eliminator action to take? Other than the stuff like Yoga, massage, spiritual practices, etc., which are all wonderful. However, with a bit of thought these are aids to help deal with the stress. What I am interested in is reducing and eventually eliminating the stress.

I say its time for me (and maybe you too) to take control of my own life. Clear the calendar! Practice and learn how to say no! It’s okay to say yes to me. I honestly believe taking away some of my commitments is the first and most necessary step towards my mission. I had began this process, I just don’t think I truly understood how important it is to the overall success of me finding me.

NOTE TO SELF: No changes can be permanent if I still am living a stressful life.

Do You Put Your Mean Girl In Her Place?

Geez, I am having a tough time being around myself today. It’s like everything just pisses me off for no reason. If I wrote Dr. Jeykel and Mr. Hyde, today it would be titled; Dr. Lovinlyfe and Ms. Whynneebytch. I certainly feel like two people morphed into my body and it is hard to take. Grrrr I say, Grrrrrr

I understand the “everyone has bad days” scenario. Or “along with the sunshine comes a little rain sometime” but today I am in no mood to try to change the attitude. I guess what adds fuel to the fire is the fact there is no apparent or obvious reason. It’s just that kind of day. Everybody has them and today is mine. However if I was to place odds on the mood provoker, it would have something to do with no longer using food as comfort and cutting back on evenings with yummy red wine. Boo Hoo… I want my food, wine and weight loss too! Wah Wah Wah.

For all those skinny ones out there that have never used food for comfort, be grateful that you have no ieda what I am taking about. As I am heading into week two of my healthy lifestyle, I refuse to give in. It is a fact, the second you decide you are NOT giving into a craving it starts to diminish. A craving will haunt you only as along as you are toying with the should I? Or should I not give in notion. As mean as I am today, I will stay strong!

As I write this I am confident my teenage daughter is off to the store to buy me a dark chocolate candy or ice cream and will be standing outside the store hoping to find someone to buy me a very nice bottle of wine! Or maybe she just went for a bike ride to stay clear from my grumbling at everything I try to do today.

If you read my last entry you know I made this one free day rule, well now I want that day to be today. But I can’t do that because when I made that rule, I promised if I gave myself that one day of freedom, I would do everything else necessary to stay focused on the goal. And a promise is a promise, especially to myself.

Yes, there will be tough days. Yes, I will eventually develop new healthy habits. Yes, it will get easier. I quit smoking several years ago, I sure as hell can learn to not use food as a comfort crutch. Logically, I could go out for a nice run or head out to the beach or even go read a book in order to change up the focus. So with that written, I believe I should take my own damn advice and finish this day off with a happy note to self.

NOTE TO SELF: Put it all in perspective. Food is not therapy. Food is not recreation. Food is nutrition. Period.

Do You Know The Rules to Your Game?

I have been playing the weight game for the last eight days and I actually scored a touchdown on the scale this week. Yippee! I lost five pounds after completing my first Weight Watchers weigh in. Let me clarify, this is not my FIRST weigh in, it is my first one THIS time. I never really understood why it’s said the first few pounds shed are just water (sounds like a jealous bitch made that one up). I really don’t care what you call it. What it is, is a lower number than last week on the scale. Since the name of my game is weight loss, it’s a score and I am doing the end zone happy dance.

It’s been proven over and over and over, if you simply follow the Weight Watchers guidelines you will successfully lose weight. If you keep playing by the rules once you scored your final goal on the scale you will maintain your weight loss. Exactly like a Nike commercial…. “Just Do It!”

When I play the weight game, I struggle with following the rules. For some reason I think “this time will be different” as I allow my self to change rules and the game plan. I think I have this privilege because I hold all positions and ownership of this team. The problem is my abuse of power generally gets me into trouble. If I bend the rules long and hard enough, eventually I knock myself right out of the game.

It should be simple to follow these very basic rules.

Do not exceed X number of points per day (calories)
Eat anything you want in limited portions
Eat fresh fruits, vegetables and whole grains
Exercise regularly (4 times per week is good)
Drink plenty of water
Get plenty of rest
Write down everything you eat + all exercise
Plan ahead and you plan for success.

This is not brain surgery. It is a healthy lifestyle that practices moderation. Why on earth I have to make such a big deal about it, I just don’t understand. Yesterday immediately after I weighed in, I decided that I would give myself the old “one free day” rule. Logically, I know that puts me at risk, yet I choose to take weigh in day off from keeping track of what I eat as long as there is a loss on the scale that day. This could go either way. I guess only time will tell. But that’s it, today I put my foot down and no more changing the game. I am geared up for success.

So I remind myself the past has passed and today I have the opportunity to create a new and different history. Pulling all the strength I have to no longer bend the rules but to play the game as it was intended and maybe, just maybe I will stay on this winning streak and totally win the game!

NOTE TO SELF: Just Do It! No, really just do it!

Does Someone Make A Difference in Your Life?

Today, I actually was feeling a bit down in the dumps and at a loss for words to write. It was errands after work and of course I look like a very stressed out mess with flat greasy hair, chubby girl pants, really overall ratty looking and yes, I kept running into people I know. Where are they when I just walk out of the salon? Or I am sporting a new outfit? They are never around even if you go out of your way to try and run into someone you won't. Anyway, I was tired and grumpy and hungry. Wah Wah Wah! I made it though the errands and was going to skip writing tonight. I went to go into my room to turn on the TV, and I found this note from my fourteen year old daughter. Today was her last day of school. I am a full time single parent. Her father does not live in the area so most of the time it is just the two of us. Here is what she wrote word for word……….

Mommy,

Mrs. Jackson told us this story today:

A man who owned a restaurant realized that people are underestimated and should be recognized for all the great things they do. So he told his employees that they make a difference in his life because they helped him and he was thankful for all of their work. A man was so shocked, he went home and told his son. Then he told his son he was thankful for him, that he loved him and that he was proud of him. The boy was amazed and then gave his dad a note. The note was a suicide letter and because the boy believed the dad no longer cared about him. But what the dad said saved his life. The father wanted to help other so he started an organization called “You Make A Difference.”

The reason I am telling you this is because I felt that you of all people make a difference in my life. I am so proud of everything you do and I am so glad you are the strong, beautiful great Mom that I have because if it was not for you, I would not be the person I am today. You always tell me to follow my dreams and trust my heart and you back me up 100% at anything.

So I wanted to let you know that I love you so much and that you make such a big difference in my life. You inspire me to be healthy and strong. I always admire your strength to continue your battle with your weight and I know it is hard but I want you to be here when I have kids so they can see what a wonderful, passionate and driven woman their grandma is. You make SUCH a big difference in my life and I love you! XOXO

NOTE TO SELF: Tell those in your life they make a difference and how grateful you are.

What's Your "Thing"?

As I am working towards revamping my life I have diligently been taking responsibilities off of my plate. I have resigned from the Executive Board of a local non profit as well as being the 4-H Community Leader and various other commitments. Whew, it is not easy for someone like me that has a Super Mom complex and is addicted to avoiding themselves by giving away every moment of free time. Now the blog today has nothing to do with time management, commitments, or stress, nope it is about things you can’t let go of.

Weird, odd, things. Things with no connection as to why the hell you hang on to them. I am not talking about collections as a hobby or things you display in your home. I am talking about peculiar stuff. For example my Mother must steal a pen every time she signs something at the bank, store, Dr. ‘s office or where ever else a pen is placed in her hand. She has jars of pens everywhere in her home. In the laundry room, in the kitchen, on the dining room table, in the living room, her bedroom and in the guest bedroom and her spare room (it does not qualify as a bedroom because it is full of crap and there is no bed) there are several jars all stuffed with pens in those rooms. It is not unusual to see a few loose pens lying on the bathroom counter. I have questioned her more than several times; “Mom, why all the pens?” Same old answer “I might need one”. I could go on and on with this conversation but it still goes nowhere. My Mom just cannot let go of a pen. Often I have asked her why she doesn’t donate them to a school or charity because certainly one person does not need four hundred pens. But you know what? It’s her “thing” and she has no desire to let go of them.

It’s funny, my Sister is an extremely neat knick, never ever a thing out of place in her home. Tidy, tidy are her drawers, cupboards, closets and garage, ALWAYS! The other day I was at her house and we were looking for something in the hall closet. As she opened the door to the closet I just cracked up. She had almost an entire shelf of candles (all burned to some degree). Now this made no sense what so ever. She has candles all over her house and I can see keeping a few extras in case of a power outage, but I am talking she devoted an entire shelf in her closet for her half burned candles. “Whoa Sis, what’s up with all the candles” I asked. She smiled and replied “you never know when you’ll need them and I still like the colors”. I know this translated into “It’s my thing and I cannot let go of them”.

As I was preparing files and folders and all sorts of things to pass on to the people that are filling my various positions I came across a very interesting collection of my own. Apparently I am a klepto of offices supplies. Yep I never realized it before, that I am a paper clip, staples, file folder hoarding office supply thief. To all my past employers, I think I must owe you an apology! Geez, I mean I realized I have five boxes of staples that I took when a company I was working for eight years ago went bankrupt. It’s not just staples, I have file folders, sheet protectors, envelopes so old that they are sealed, 3x5 cards, tablets, you name it, except for tape, and I have it. I could open my own office supply store at this point.

What’s a bit sad or actually embarrassing is the fact that I have not worked in an office or outside my home in more than five years. It’s funny because now that I am aware of yet one more little quirk I have, I just stop, slowly shake my head and get a good laugh at myself when I open a desk drawer or cupboard to find it stuffed with office supplies. What can I say, it’s my “Thing” and I just cannot let go of them. So what’s you “Thing”?

NOTE TO SELF: Take your own advice. Donate the office supplies to a school or charity

Are We There, YET?

Patience, patience, makes me a mental patient. Seriously, these are a few of the thoughts that have passed through my head at various times today. (For those of you just joining the Blog, On Sunday I started back on Weight Watchers and am in the process of dropping three or four sizes).

1. Why are my pants not fitting a bit looser? It has been what, how long now? Then I count back, One. Two. Oh, so it has only been two days? Wow, it sure feels longer. It really does feel longer.

2. Oooh – I think my skin is looking so much younger since I started eating healthier. Again it has been two days! Count them one, two days. I am like a bad infomercial selling a miracle in a jar and what’s worse, I am buying it!

3. I wonder if I should dig out those cute white Capri pants, maybe they will fit now. (They are a size 8, as of yesterday I was still sporting a 12). Again, it has been two frigging days, what the hell is wrong with me?

4. I should probably try to get my six mile run in this week. (Thinking that I was already back to the fitness level I was at two months ago) because I did do one solid workout on Sunday.

5. Do you think my metabolic rate is increasing? I feel like I am burning more calories.

Can you imagine? No wonder I have been struggling with myself. My perception is so distorted there is nothing realistic about it. I believe I must have gained those thirty pounds one too many times and it has cause brain damage. Obviously my patience has been completely erased from my brain! To be clear, I catch myself and stop cold in my tracks when these absurd thoughts invade my mind. WOW…. Talk about needing to get a grip on reality.

So I need to sit back, take a deep breath and just relax. Let it just be. Because we all know - it is, what it is. I should keep focused on today and eventually the day will come when the pants will fit. When go I out for a six mile run without a second thought. And honestly my skin looks just fine, today.

NOTE TO SELF: Relax and enjoy the journey. You’ll arrive in due time.

Is your Sense of Humor Intact?

I want to thank everyone for the fantastic feedback on my first few entries. I hope you know this is just intended to be fun and look for the humor in all the situations life puts before us. If I loose my sense of humor (as peculiar and obscure as it may be) it will be the end of me. Honestly, I can find something funny in everything, especially myself! I do crack myself up and frequently am amazed by the actions and choices I make in my own life. Some logical, some emotional, some with no rhyme or reason.

One of the things that stood out in your comments is how you could relate to my situation(s). Or how happy you were to know someone else has the same issues, quirks or habits. Isn’t that the truth? We all want to know that we are not weird or unusual. Which is a bit ironic since most of us strive to be unique individuals. Yet we only want to share the good stuff, the stuff that people go “Wow” isn’t that wonderful? No one wants to air the dirty laundry as funny as it truly can be. Nobody wants to share their odd little habits, failures or struggles, it makes them “look bad”. OOOHHHH - What will people think? Think Smink is what I say. Have fun with life!

I am here to tell you. I am letting my guard down and I will share all of me, with whomever the hell is willing to read this blog. It will be fun. It will be funny. And, there is a very strong chance you will feel a whole lot better about yourself as you read through my adventures and my challenges. So stick around, I am on a mission and it’s not impossible (okay, that was not funny, I know but I had to do it).

Until tomorrow............

NOTE TO SELF: The humor is there. If you can’t find it, look harder!

Dancing Queen - Is Your Body Language Speaking Your Language?

Yes indeed I made it to the gym today. I had a respectable one hour workout. First one in four weeks , wow did it feel good! It amazes me that I do love to workout. I love the benefits of exercise. However getting me to that gym is like pulling teeth without Novocain. Anyway the point of this posting is; does your body language speak your language?

There I was peddling away on the stationery bike with my IPod blasting in my ears. Diligently burning calories, rocking out, I could hear nothing but the music, ah but I could see so much perched upon my stationary bike. The single guy on the weights was eyeing the young girl on the treadmill. The chatter man (that’s another entire posting) was only out of breath because he would not stop talking whilst on the treadmill. The woman on the elliptical machine reading her novel, who probably would have burned more calories laying on her couch. The very, very bored front desk attendant that was daydreaming and wondering if the free gym membership was worth giving up a Sunday afternoon. The muscle man with the solid hot body lifting the weights, drenched in sweat. The young couple working out together, she is pregnant and they were so loving with each other. All the different body language was fascinating to me. There was so much conversation with so few words, (except for chatter man).

As I got deeper in thought, I started thinking about how often my actions and or words are misread, misinterpreted and misunderstood. Many times completely different than what I intended. But let me tell you, right here and now, my body language IS right on! As you may have read on the About Me section on this blog, I write: I am on a mission to have some fun, relax a bit and let my guard down. So in pursuant of my mission, once a month I have been going out dancing. Our last girls night out was a few weeks ago. Now, I am not a comfortable dancer, in fact I bet the word awkward would be accurate. Yes, I am an awkward dancer. I have never learned how to dance, so I just go out on the floor, look at every one else and mimic what they are doing. Needless to say if there are a bunch of different moves going on out there, I am trying to imitate each and every one. I don’t know which move is the most current or coolest one, so I try them all, generally all moves in the same song. I cannot describe what I look like, although I imagine it is similar to someone with a broken left foot, burning hemorrhoids and a dislocated right shoulder. This last outing gives me a better idea…..

Please keep in mind my self image is a bit damaged these days. That night as I was getting dressed I was really struggling with choosing something to wear. Everything I tried on was too tight, too short, wrong color, you get the idea. And nothing was comfortable. You know how snazzy you feel when you are sporting an outfit that makes you feel like you are a superstar; you walk around like you are Heidi Klum! Well, I was feeling the opposite that night. But in line with my mission I wiggled into something and off I went. We go to the local casino to listen to this great local band. They are a five piece band encompassing many genres of music including rock, jazz, oldies, country, and swing. Really they do provide the best in dance music. Especially perfect for folks in the “new 30’s to new 40’s age range”.

So I am out there dancing and the person I am dancing with asks “are you okay?”. “Yes, I'm fine" I reply. I really did not think much of it. A few songs later I was out dancing again. Same thing, the partner I am dancing with leans over and asks “are you okay?” I reply, “What?” He repeats the question. I reply “Oh, oh, Yes, I'm fine”. Okay, now that’s just weird. Then I am dancing with this guy, he is so much fun to dance with. From what I understand he had an accident that has caused some brain damage, however, he loves to go out and dance. Let me tell you, this guy is such a nice guy and boy does he have some moves. No inhibitions, no worries, he just gets out there and grooves with the music. Everything goes! So I am out there dancing away, not feeling quite so awkward because this guy is cutting loose. I mean he is footloose and fancy free on the floor. I’m out there dancing away with him, smiling and genuinely enjoying myself. Really feeling comfortable. Then, he leans over to me and says… “Are you okay?” What the what? Jesus, I must be as transparent as cellophane. Did everyone in this damn casino know how uncomfortable I felt in my own skin? It was if I was having one of those bad dreams where it is the first day of school and you forgot to put your clothes on! I just started laughing and replied “yes, I am just fine, thank you for asking, are you okay?”

I am still laughing about it. I even asked my friend the next day, if I was dancing really weird. She said not, but perhaps she was just being kind. Either way, that’s okay because I am sticking to my mission and having fun letting my guard down.

I guess the moral of this story is to get some dancing lessons if I don’t want people to worry about me on the dance floor. I got a good laugh and apparently so did the rest of the folks in the bar.

NOTE TO SELF: You can be uncomfortable and still have fun!

Does Your Deprivation Steal Your Motivation?

Woooo Hooooo – Yesterday, I actually did half of what I said I would. This is a huge improvement. Although I must admit, just the thought of deprivation in any way, shape or form, strips me of any motivation. I managed to drag myself to the farmer’s market and the grocery store, planned the weekly meals, however, I just could not convince myself to go for a walk, too tired after the farmers market. Oh yeah, and I didn’t eat any comfort foods, but boy did I ever chow down on random, not fresh, foods. Come on, I was tired after all that shopping. I felt like my blood sugar was a bit off and needed the carbs in those two toasted peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and the giant bowl of kettle corn. In my meal planning found a great recipe for spinach and goat cheese crepes. It called for a half cup of beer in the recipe, so on my grocery list was one light beer. What did I do? You got it. I drank it to wash down those PB&J sandwiches! What’s a girl to do? It was Saturday night and I was thirsty, ha! Oh God, my lies never end. I need to practice “self-honesty” And, let’s not forget what a shinning example I am to my teenage daughter. I say this because I had to make a special stop at the store to get that one beer. The store where we do our major shopping at does not sell individual beers.

It went down like this - As we were driving home from the grocery store. “Oh honey, I have to make a quick stop because I need a beer for the crepes recipe, just wait in the car I’ll be right out.” I run into the little store, grab a single bullet Coors Light and wait patiently in line with the hobos and druggies with their single beers for their crepe recipe too. I am back in the car and sigh, “great, now I have EVERYTHING I need to get myself back on track. We sure picked some yummy meals for the week, I can’t wait to get started.” We get home, we both are putting the groceries away, guess what, I start eyeing that beer. Hum, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow starts chanting in my mind. No, I will resist, it’s all about TODAY. Move forward two hours, food is put away, I have had the PB& J sandwiches and I am ready to sit and read for a bit. My mind kept going back to the “cold activated blue mountain on that can. Hey why not? So I pop open the beer. My daughter walks through the room, “Hey Mom, I thought you bought that for the crepes,” I looked at her and simply said, Tomorrow…… Then we both burst out laughing. I told her to live by my example would be to not do what I do!

So now it is once again, today. I have all the tools and supplies (minus the beer) and a clear sense of focus in my healthy lifestyle arsenal. I am ready to get down to business. I don’t know how familiar you are with diets (no longer a politically correct word) or nutrition for weight loss plans, whatever the hell you call it, but let me tell you there are thousands of books out there on this subject. I personally have dabbled in at least seven thousand of them. And do you know why don’t they work? (Check out the poll I have listed on the upper right side of the blog). First of all, you have to “follow” the plan more than three weeks. Secondly, you need to be active beyond your daily activities and third it really is just calories in, calories out. I don’t give a damn what you are eating, it is simple math, fuel in vs. fuel burned, remainder is stored. Period. Which is why I always end up back with Weight Watchers. For me it is clearly about how much I eat, not what I eat.


This last weight gain was due to, now don’t laugh, because I told my daughter she had to change her eating habits. Limit the sugars and cut out that processed crap that the big box manufactures are so eager to shove into our children. We listened to Dr. Oz and read every label to ensure the following ingredients were not in the top five. It was the five of five rule – Saturated fat, hydrogenated oils, high- fructose corn syrup, sugars and enriched/bleached flour. Anyway, I thought at that point, if I am eating healthy then I do not need to monitor how much, it is all healthy, right? Healthy, but still calories in vs. calories out. You just can’t have six servings of whole wheat noodles in olive oil and Parmesan cheese and not gain weight. One bite lead to another, soon I wanted more and more noodles, less and less fresh vegetables and fruits, throw in some wine to have with that loaf of 100% whole grain bread and mozzarella cheese and I just don’t feel like going to workout, I will tomorrow. BAM I am up twenty pounds, what the hell, keep on going because I am having so much fun on this food fest the next ten pounds were just “bonus” pounds.

But that was all in the past. Today is today and I am ready to “count my points”, that’s Weight Watcher code talk for calories. One of the reasons I am attracted to WW is because they are tricky liars. For example calories are called points. You track points but not calories. It allows me to practice “self-honesty” without being completely honest. I feel like I am getting one up on myself. You subtract points for food and add points for exercise (fuel in / fuel burned concept) So it’s off to prepare one of my yummy recipes. Trick myself into some exercise, even if it’s minimal, track my points and be happy about it and do what ever it takes to stay motivated, TODAY! Maybe I’ll go into my library of self help books to help keep myself motivated for the day….. Ha ha ha

NOTE TO SELF: Must find a way to change deprivation into motivation!

Liar Liar Pants on Fire. Who do you Lie to?

Tell me please, what kind of person is honest, loving and faithful to all friends, family and overall most anyone that is in their lives, yet lies to themselves? Now that makes NO sense! Nada. None whatsoever! If you ARE going to lie, you would think it would be to someone that doesn't know you are lying! This is what I am talking about.....

Every day and I mean every day I tell myself, tomorrow, yep tomorrow I am going to stop this food fest of eating all my favorite comfort foods (believe me there are lots and lots of them) , no exercising, sloth like rut that I have gotten myself into. Yep, TOMORROW! So, today since it is my last day, I better eat .........and drink.......and not go for a workout or run, no worries because tomorrow I am going to at least go for a walk! Now I know full well as I am telling this shitty lie to myself, tomorrow is NOT the day! Who does that? I could be lying to any number of people in my life, my boss, my kid, or even my mother, but nope I must be an idiot, because I choose to lie to myself. I do it, I know it and I still believe the lies!

Last night as look back, it was as if I was having an outer body experience. There I was drinking the third glass of red wine, shoveling in my third helping of mashed potatoes with butter (no gravy, I was cutting calories) and the giant helping of store bought roasted turkey breast loaded up with chemicals. Justified every sip, bite and swallow, because it was all about, that's right, tomorrow!
I am like goddamn Annie, Tomorrow, tomorrow there's always tomorrow, you get the idea....

The power of procrastination is not a good thing here, although I am good at it. I have managed to lie my way from a size 8 to a size 12, okay maybe sometimes 14. That's what I am talking about. Honestly, last year I was sporting a size 6. I tell myself, from an 8 to 10/12 that's okay, but I'm not just talking to myself, I am talking to you too. And now that I am being honest when I say it is not about the size, it IS about how I feel. Me being in my body at this weight. I just cannot get comfortable with the extra roll that resides right smack under my breasts and above my lap, even when I sit up straight. If you've ever had one, you know what I am talking about.

So as I write these words, tomorrow is no longer on the plate, it is TODAY! Really I swear to God it is today! Today I am going to the Farmers Market to get some fresh veggies, the grocery store and yes, today is the day I will at least go for a walk. Now if there is no post tomorrow, you'll know I got sucked back in.....

NOTE TO SELF: It's today not tomorrow!

A loss for words? Ha!

Really? How can I be at a loss for words when I always have so damn much to say. Maybe, just maybe it is my narcissistic ego that consistently gets in my way. I clearly see myself as one of many words and little action. Why is that? I ramble on like I know everything, then sit back and do nothing. Let me back up, I'll take action for a period of time, then kaput I am over it. Shit. It is exhausting being me.

So I ponder the question, over and over and over......What is it that makes someone have clear and definite goals, ambitions and dreams yet, makes certain they are never obtained? It is not intellectual, nor fiscal, just look at Oprah and her weight yo yo. Emotionally just doesn't make sense to me either. Frigging who knows.

What I do know is:

• I've spent my share of time trying to figure out who I am and what makes me tick and still the question remains unanswered.
• I am back to losing the same goddamn 30 pounds that I have shed five times over.
• I still have credit card debt.
• I am the "NEW 30" some days. Other days the 'NEW 40" and some days, just old.

I am here to say, I am still willing to keep asking the questions. Always trying to make it better, and striving for whatever the hell it is I want this week. So here I sit pissing and moaning to me, about me in hopes that I will "see the light within". Ha, that is a crock of shit. This is a wonderfully creative way for me to not do whatever it is I should do....

And don't be to shocked if the blogging stops in, oh let's say three weeks. That generally is my attention span.

NOTE TO SELF: Stay motivated longer than three weeks!