Your Own Best Friend or Worst Critic?

This morning as I was pouring my first cup of coffee, I stood looking out my kitchen window . I was watching the sunrise, well not really the sun rising because there was such thick morning fog outside I could barely see across the street. I was actually just seeing it become daylight and anyhow my kitchen window faces north, but you get the idea. I was reflecting back on how all of a sudden this week has taken a huge turn. I was so right on track and then, BOOM I am back to a self destructive eating pattern. I think it was the fear of getting close to meeting a goal (ten pounds) . And let’s be real, it’s not really a pattern as it has only been a few days. It’s more of an out of control issue.

Then I had to stop and think about all the challenges and obstacles I have overcome throughout my life. Yes, it is true I probably am the biggest obstacle in my own life. Hey, that’s okay because it means I continually challenge myself. I never give up on the notion that I can just try again. Here is an excerpt from an article I wrote eight or nine years ago:

I’ll never forget that beautiful summer day when I was driving down the steep, winding, mountain road. I had the windows rolled down and the warm fresh air was blowing against my face. I was singing out loud along with the radio. The view of valley below was breathtaking. There was a sea of evergreen trees as far as I could see. As I was speeding along I smiled realizing my personal victory. I began laughing as I was weeping tears of joy. I began shouting, I’m free, I’m free! I felt like I was on top of the world and I have driven myself there.

You see, I had been suffering from an anxiety disorder which caused me to have severe panic attacks while driving. For the last few years the panic attacks kept me confined to less than a seven mile radius from my home. But at that very moment when I realized I was driving with much ease, I knew my long difficult, agonizing bout with panic attacks had taken a new direction.

How would your life be effected if suddenly you were terrified to stand in line at the grocery store? Or perhaps ever time you started to drive on the highway you were overwhelmed with dizziness and fear. What if you were frightened beyond your control to go to the shopping mall? What if you woke up in the middle of the night with all the symptoms of a heart attack, you call 911 but no heart attack happenes , just your imagination. This may sound ridiculous or unbelievable, but sadly it is a true illness. The National Institute of Mental Health reports panic disorder strikes between three and six million Americans and is twice as common in women as in men.

Margaret Thatcher once said, “You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it”. How very true this is. More than once I felt defeated, beaten down and destined to be confined by my own fears. However I was determined to win this battle no matter how long it took or how difficult it was.

And I did. Approximately a year after this driving success, I packed up and moved to Los Angeles. I drove every day on the freeway. Could there be a better city with extensive traffic to take on the fear of freeway driving? Today I can honestly say I am grateful for my experiences with an anxiety disorder. I will never forget the fear and panic I once lived with day to day. I transformed my anxiety to work for me not against me. It serves as a constant reminder that I am the one that controls my own life, not circumstances nor situations. I have learned that within myself lie the necessary tools and strength of my own happiness and freedom. Although, apparently there are many days I forget to acknowledge my successes. I guess I really need to lighten up on myself. Relax and keep reminding myself of my accomplishments and successes I have achieved.

NOTE TO SELF: "Until you make peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have." Doris Mortman